Internal Dialogue
by emi lulu
Summary: So now that that's over, Serah and Snow figure this is the perfect time to elope. Yes? No? Lightning says maybe. She has mere weeks to talk them out of it. Can she? R&R.
1. 001: Back on my word

**A/N:** Haaaaaaay. I haven't written game-related fiction in awhile [aka, do not browse my early, early works, you might regret it LOL]. I recently beat 13 and had an urge to write. This story does not contain spoilers. If you haven't beat the game, it's AU-ish. If you have beat the game, then you already know. [/vague explanation] Anyway. We'll see what this shapes into. Thanks for clicking in and I hope you like it! :)

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Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 1

I know I said I would go through with it—

But you have to understand. Things were different back then. I had a very different, very exaggerated idea of what was going on. I mean, for the first time in awhile, I was alive – no more running, no more hiding – it was – I was _elated_. I think I was just happy to have things back to the way they were. So when I saw her walking towards us, saw him go to hug her… all I could do was smile. The feeling was contagious. Things were perfect—

For a second.

"I really want to go through with this, Claire."

"I know." _I know, I know_. But why? I know I promised I wouldn't be so harsh on her, but I had a right to ask why, didn't I? I mean, it's her life, it's her wedding – I get that – but I'm her guardian. I can choose to say no.

But – but _would _I say no? Look at her. Look at her, smiling, flitting through the aisles of the shop, gazing lovingly at dresses she wanted her friends to wear, things she wanted me to wear, things she was going to ask me to buy… She's never looked so happy. Do I really have the right to take this away from her? But at the same time, let's not forget her age. Yes. She's only eighteen. Eighteen-year-olds shouldn't be getting married. She was supposed to go to university. She was supposed to have a _life_. I know exactly what'll happen to her if she gets married now and stays in Bodhum. She'll probably give up on school, become a housewife, have several round-eyed, _blond _children… and I don't know, I don't think that's a good idea. The children – the children are not a good idea. I don't know. I can't tell her.

Yes. Yes, I can. Just say it. Say you don't want her to get married. Tell her to her face that you care about her and that this – this Snow thing – it's not a good idea. "It's not a good idea," I said suddenly, impulsively, nervously… etcetera. "Don't do it." This is, by far… the bitchiest move. Think, think, think – your happiness or hers? _Your happiness or he—_

"What are you talking about?" She asked, her eyes searching my face. The corners of my lips twitched and I looked away. I didn't know what to say. She looked so – so put off. I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. She's a young girl; she's probably going to say something like 'I ruined her life' or some other such… whatever.

"Claire, what are you talking about?" She asked hurriedly, blinking rapidly. "You said I could get any dress I wanted. Remember?"

Yes. Yes, I did say that.

I smiled humourlessly, "Yes. I do remember… saying that." Now look, a lapse of communication; she already thinks I'm flip-flopping. And I am. I am flip-flopping, but not with what she thinks. This has nothing to do with the dress. Should I ask again? This is killing me. Just. Killing. "But, Serah, it – you wanted a different kind of dress, right?" I looked instantly at the one standing next to her. It was a bit slutty, especially for a wedding dress. The cut in the front was too low. Way too low. "I don't think you should get that one. Don't do it. It's not a good idea."

Serah smirked and glanced at the dress. "Yeah, no, I don't want this one. I said I wanted something sleeveless."

"Did you?"

"Yes. Like, twice. You weren't listening, were you?"

"Um."

"Of course."

Right.

***

It was impossible to disappoint Serah without disappointing Serah – I understood this very well. But you don't understand. Each night, I lay in my bed with my eyes wide open, unblinking, unwavering, and imagining really unnecessary things. I imagined in about two years – yes, just two years – there would be two very small, _very blond _children named something ridiculous like… Spring and Autumn. I don't know. I really hope not. Really. I guess I would have to like these kids, seeing as though they'd be my nieces or nephews, but I'm going to be honest here – I don't see that happening. One of them, a boy, would be _really blond _and very irritating. I'd have to babysit him, tell him stories about his parents, the same with the girl, the _very blond _girl. But what could I say? Realistically, I only have general things to say about Snow, like 'oh, your dad? He's tall. He's also blond. And very loud'. I wouldn't be negative, but I couldn't be positive. I was grateful to him, but I – me not verbally assaulting him for actually wanting to go through with the wedding and take my sister out of school, that's about the extent of my appreciation.

The point being, I didn't want to babysit these kids. I didn't want Serah to have children right away. She should be allowed a life, I think. I needed to talk her out of it.

"Serah," I approached her as she sat looking through a vacation spot brochure. We stopped by the travel agency on the way home, and she was convinced that a seaside resort somewhere was calling her name. I beg to differ; Snow likes the ocean, Serah likes… trees. She glanced up at me when I entered the room, but really paid no attention as I sat down on her desk chair. She had her legs crossed on her bed, humming softly as she browsed. I sighed. She was doing that thing where she was deliberately ignoring me by looking more involved in whatever she was doing, but I know my sister, and her attention span encompasses all of five seconds. Just wait. "Serah?"

"Yes?" She sighed, and looked up at me. I smiled. Well, I tried to smile. This was a very unpleasant conversation we were going to have. She sensed the seriousness in my eyes, and closed the brochure. "Is it about the dress…?" She asked timidly. "I can order a different one, or if you want, we can look over the other ones… also if you want."

"Serah—"

"But it's my wedding, you know?" She said, and I know she bit her tongue as soon as she said it. I wasn't angry; I knew it was her wedding. But she looked frustrated because she probably thought I would be frustrated, even though I wasn't. "I'm sorry. I just… I mean, lately, you've been trying to get me to buy a different dress and I don't think it's fair. I mean, if I want to wear a sleeveless dress, I should be allowed to, right? That whole thing about you not wanting Snow to see my shoulders is a little bit awkward, especially since we're getting married, so it wouldn't really matter what he sees first." What? "I really want a sleeveless dress. It's my wedding, after all. I mean, I'm not going to… buy your wedding dress."

I sighed, "Serah—"

"Oh, wait, I'm sorry, that was… not good to say." She shook her head and sighed too. "I'm really grateful you're doing this for me, Claire." She faked a smile – I'm sorry, that was bitchy, it was not a fake smile – and reached forward to take my hand. "I appreciate it a lot. I know things haven't been so good with us, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate it."

"I – yes." Yes. "Serah, there's something I actually really want to ask you." Wait. "I mean, tell. I want to tell you something."

She faltered a moment, and then slid off her bed. "Can it wait?" She asked. "I actually have to go meet Snow for something. We're talking about more wedding stuff, so I'm sure you wouldn't be interested…" She laughed nervously. I… hummed. "I want to surprise you anyway. I really want you to show up, and freak out at how awesome everything looks!" She grinned, spinning on her heel.

I should've told her I was freaking out anyway, but for other reasons. But – quick – before she leaves! Just tell her not to have kids early. Tell her to wait, and tell her how important it would be if she didn't have kids so soon… with Snow. "Serah, do – do you like kids?" Wait. That was. Not. No.

"What? Tch, of course." She scoffed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Oh, the obviousness of it all.

***

I figured that trying to convince Serah was near impossible. I couldn't disappoint her again. I felt like I had to make it up to her, to try and keep her happy for all the years I neglected her. But you know who I didn't have to try and keep happy? Snow. Villiers. No – his happiness wasn't even on my radar. Therefore – and this is perfect, I don't know why I didn't think of it before – if I could just talk to Snow, maybe he'd see reason and this whole wedding thing would blow off. … I know. The thought is laughable. Snow seeing reason? Right.

I found him at that bar those NORA kids own. This scantily-clad girl – I think her name was Lebreau – was serving drinks to these kids that were clearly not above the drinking age, but she was oblivious and probably thought they were good talkers. They were laughing so obnoxiously too. She smiled at me when I walked up to the bar. Snapping her fingers as if she recognized me, she floated over to my corner and narrowed her eyes curiously. "You're… Lightning, right? With Guardian Corps?"

"Yes," I answered. Even with that confirmation, Snow, standing with his back facing me in the corner, didn't look over. Was he really going to be like this? Honestly. I cleared my throat loudly. He didn't turn around. I sighed and said to Lebreau, "What's with your friend?" I nodded towards him.

"What's… oh," She rolled her eyes. "I don't know. He's getting married soon. Maybe he's getting cold feet, you know?"

Perfect. My eyes lit up almost instantly and I practically climbed my way over the bar to nudge him in the back. Okay, not really – I didn't _climb over_ the bar… kind of walked around. He turned around at once to face me. He didn't seem like his usual self at all. Good, good, it's better to persuade him when he's like this. "What's wrong with you?" I asked, almost too forcefully. "I mean, what's… what's going on?" Now, I was shrugging too carelessly. Ugh. "Well, you know."

He sighed heavily and shook his head, edging away from me against the counter, "Sis, listen," I cringed a little. I let him call me Sis because Serah thought it would be a good idea. Well you know what else Serah thought would be a good idea? Snow. Villiers. "Are… are you okay?" What? I focused and he was giving me a troubled look. God… I need to not cringe so excessively. "You good?"

"I'm okay, I'm fine. Just… the air…" I rubbed my cheeks and looked at him. "What's wrong? You look… you know, not ready for marriage." That was too blunt.

"What?" He said sharply, and then shook his head, his familiar smile creeping back on his face. "No, I'm good with that. It's just something else…" He chuckled. "Funny how you thought that, though."

"Funny."

"Yeah, but really," He sighed again. But wait, if it wasn't the marriage thing, then what is it? "it's about Serah."

Good enough. "She's rushing you into this marriage thing, isn't she?" What a lie. I knew it was the other way around. Completely ignoring the confusion painted on his features, I continued, "Don't worry. She's like that. I mean, she's sweet, but she's like that. Just don't do it. You'll feel better if you don't."

"Wait a second – and no." He laughed. "You know, I gotta say, at first I was kind of freaked out with the whole marriage thing because… you didn't really like me."

I could've died. "Oh… no, I didn't."

"Yeah, but now, we've become so close and I'm sure this is the right thing to do now."

Oh. "Y-you think so?"

"I know so." He grinned, nodding. "But sis," And suddenly, he was serious. His moods change so fast. "You gotta stop pestering Serah about the dress thing." Again with the dress? "She's freaking out now that you won't approve of anything she picks. She told me not to say anything, so just pretend you picked up on it somehow. But really, I don't see the big deal with the sleeveless thing." Of course you don't. "Don't tell her, but she told me about the shoulder thing too and I think that's weird that you would have a problem with me seeing her shoulders. I mean, we're getting married anyway, so… yeah." He shrugged, weighing his hands like scales at the triviality of it all. Oh, the triviality.

I didn't even know where to start. "Listen… you," I tried to make it sound friendly, but I could feel the sting escape my lips as I said it. "This is not about a dress. My sister can wear whatever she wants. The _only _thing I have a problem with…" Really? Am I really going to say it? Am I really going to say that I changed my mind and I can't deal with him marrying my sister right away? Am I? Ugh… damn it all. "Is – the venue." That is lame.

"The venue?" He didn't believe it either.

"Yes," I practically squeaked. I was squeaking now? Excellent. "Just… I don't think… Bodhum is… the right place for it." Really? "Yeah, I mean… why not move it to… Palumpolum, where there's more… ocean." What the actual hell am I talking about?

Snow wasn't buying it. Or, wait, yes, he was. At first, he looked at me like I was losing it, but after a second of thinking – ugh why was there a second of thinking? I don't want the wedding in Palumpolum. I barely want the wedding to happen! "Yeah, despite there being the exact same amount of ocean in both cities—" Of course he would say this. "—Sis, that's an awesome idea. I totally approve."

"W-well, no, I lied."

He raised an eyebrow in question at me. "Okay, what the fuck."

Ugh, my life. This was not going well. I'm losing my composure and I'm not making any sense. Snow is making more sense than I am. This is great. "Never mind. That was just wishful thinking. Serah would never move it to Palumpolum. She… just wouldn't."

He didn't say anything. Yeah, I don't think I would either. I would be done communicating with myself.

"Okay, just…" Oh hell. "Do you like kids?" I asked desperately.

"Me?" He repeated. "Hell yes."

Did you see that? Did you see that all-knowing, smarmy bastard look he just gave me? He knows. He knows why I asked that. I am so unhappy right now.

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Thoughts? Review if you liiiiiiike. :)


	2. 002: Brb, crushing dreams

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who left a review! Much appreciated. :) I really don't have much else to say. "My Hands" still makes me cry... oh Lord.

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Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 2

I awoke with a start early the next morning. My breathing was heavy and when I moved to touch my forehead, it was wet. Ugh, look at me… waking up in cold sweats and everything. This is too much. I really can't do this anymore.

I crawled out of bed and pulled my curtains back. The rising sun was mocking me. All it was saying was "oh, today's another day to try and still not get anywhere". But I digress. I think I really scarred Snow yesterday. I think I threw him off with my questions yesterday and, contrary to his positive disposition, he's actually contemplating the whole engagement right now. I smiled a little at the thought. Today, I could go to work and feel positive that there will be no wedding in two months.

I mean, really, two months? Two months is way too soon. The world is – literally – just starting to get back on its feet and he thinks this is a good time to get married? I sighed and looked at my face in the mirror. Look… Claire. Aren't you being too much? You say you're trying to think about Serah's happiness, but if this is what makes her happy, then why can't you just accept it?

…

I suppose this is where I'm supposed to give myself an answer…?

…

"I'm going to be late," I grunted, dabbing my face with a washcloth. That's fine; just ignore the question. We can sort this out later. I pulled my uniform over my head and straightened my hair carelessly. Work had been pretty boring ever since. Well, "work". There really was nothing to do, really. The Guardian Corps were barely active, considering the whole ordeal with the Sanctum and PSICOM… and the like. The uniform was really just for show. And – I'm going to be honest – it did make me feel a bit more important to walk around with it. Sergeant Amodar liked to call us up, and we'd meet up for drinks. He couldn't let go of the uniform, and as a result, neither could I. I'd grown accustomed to the stripes.

Suddenly, I became very hungry and I realized it was only because I could smell stir-fry downstairs. Serah was always the better cook between the two of us. I sighed a little at the thought that soon she would be moving out… becoming a housewife… becoming a _Villiers. _I don't particularly think that name suited her. Serah Farron? Serah Villiers? Hmm no. I don't see it. I know I told her I could see it, but I lied. Obviously I lied. She seemed so happy practicing her signature and fawning over her initials… "We'll have the same initials," she giggled. She thought it was cute. I thought it was pretty nauseating.

"Serah?" I called as I stepped off the staircase. I yawned. Ugh, why Sergeant Amodar called us so early to do literally nothing was beyond me. And then I thought, what's the point of going out to eat breakfast with the troops when I could just stay in and talk to Serah? "Se—" Oh my… goodness.

"Sis, hey!"

Snow. Snow Villiers in my kitchen, with my frying pan, without a shirt.

Without a shirt? Snow Villiers without a shirt, with my frying pan, in my kitchen?

In _my _kitchen? In my kitchen, Snow Villiers?

Oh no.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed, stepping forward cautiously. I looked around frantically, hoping there was no Serah, otherwise she'd yell at me for being so sketchy. "What – and you're cooking? _Where is your shirt?_"

"Oh," was all he said. He shrugged and continued to flip through vegetables like it was no big deal. "Serah's tired, so I told her I'd make breakfast instead."

Oh God. "Why is she tired?"

He looked at me, once again, like I was losing it. I WAS NOT. He – okay, he doesn't live here, and yet, here he is, seven in the morning, frying pan, no shirt? That – doesn't that kind of not make any sense? I mean, I'm not crazy. I'm not. "Why wouldn't she be tired?" He asked nonchalantly. Okay, I don't think he's getting this. Suddenly, he fumbled the spatula and turned to me quickly. "Wait, wait, I wasn't supposed to say anything."

I rolled my eyes, "Don't you think _this—_" I gestured to his lack of shirt-age. "—kind of gives it away?"

He looked down and then back at me, eyebrows raised, once again questioning my sanity. "Actually, it explains absolutely nothing."

"What?" I snapped. "So. So is there a reason you're not wearing a shirt in my house?"

"Uh, because I just woke up." Now it was his turn to roll his eyes at my ridiculousness. But I wasn't being ridiculous! Does that mean – DOES THAT MEAN HE SLEPT HERE?

…

I was too scared to ask. "Uh, listen to me… you," I cleared my throat. "You can't just… show up at my house whenever you want. I still live here. So." What was I trying to say? "You know. Just."

He laughed and shook his head, "Don't worry about it, Sis, I'll be out of your hair soon enough." He grinned. "Two months, right? God, I'm excited!"

Hmmm, excitement.

I need to have a talk with my sister.

"Serah?" I knocked on her door once and tried to push it open—

"Oh my God wait!" She shrieked from the other side, pushing the door back against my hand. "I'm – I'm not wearing anything. Don't come in."

I need to not be here right now.

***

Sazh had a son – very cute, very not-blond – and was married once, so for whatever reason, I felt like I could talk to him about all my pre-wedding anxieties. I called him, and he thought it was funny that I was having anxieties about my sister's wedding. I didn't think it was funny at all.

He said, "I'll be in Bodhum in an hour."

"Bring Dajh." I told him.

He scoffed, "Of course. Where else would I put him?"

Very true. "Right."

"Where will you be?"

"At the bar. Drinking."

"It's nine in the morning."

"I'm joking. I'm just kidding." I put down my drink. "Call when you get to the station."

"Yep. See you in a few." And he hung up.

I stared at my conspicuous drink and slid it away from me. Sazh was right; this wasn't me. But I couldn't shake this feeling of impending doom. It was just hovering over my head, all six-feet-five-inches of it, breathing down my back, laughing at my serious expressions. It was so unnerving. I can't allow this to go on. I just need to tell her – I need to talk to Sazh, tell him not to talk me out of it, and then tell Serah that she'd be better off waiting till Dajh was legal and marrying him. I'm sure he'd be a better choice. I'm sure he'd be less… blond—

"You alright, sergeant?" Sergeant Amodar wandered back to our table, placing his hand on my shoulder. I glanced up at him and offered a weak smile. "Hmm," He nodded, and settled into his seat. "You look a bit down. Vodka in the afternoon? That's not how we roll."

"It's not… it's just water." I shook my head and quickly downed the drink. Yeah. "I'm fine. I'm just… it's my sister." I sighed. "I told you, didn't I? She's getting married in two months to this… _guy_."

"Oh ho ho." Amodar chucked, leaning back jovially in his seat. He smirked, "Let me guess. Your sister's marrying this guy, and you just realized you have feelings for him?"

I.

…

_God. _Could he be… any more wrong… than he already is?

… "Sir, no." I groaned. "That's… no." I cringed. I can't even say the words… coherently. I shuddered, I shivered, I patted my face, "That's _obscene_."

"Obscenity has nothing to do with it." Amodar wink…ed.

"I need to go. I need to go." I don't know why I said that twice. I got to my feet and tapped the table awkwardly, "I need… to go. A friend of mine is coming to Bodhum and I need to go find him. You understand if I skip out on lunch, don't you?"

"I do, but listen," He said. "Just be happy for your sister. Even if you like this guy, you have to put your feelings aside." Gagging now. "You told me that your sister's happiness means a lot to you, right? Then you should let her be happy."

How offensive.

It's funny because I had nothing against Snow last week. I mean, I really don't have much against him. I don't dislike the guy, but he's impulsive and stubborn and showing up at my house early in the morning… There are rules. There are boundaries. And she was my sister before she became his… I don't even want to say it. Fiancée? Something like that? I don't know. I can't stand this. It's just all going so fast. I feel like I should at least have my sister for awhile before she gets taken away from me, you know? I'm not being a selfish bitch. I'm really not.

I should tell Serah. I should first let her know that I care about her and that I'm not a selfish bitch, but I'm going to miss her a lot once she becomes a Villiers. I mean, obviously, I'll go see her. I'm not going to be stupid and cut her out of my life. But she is clingy, and Snow is clingy, and they will either cling to me, each other, or both. Basically what I mean is there's no such thing as Serah without Snow or Snow without Serah. Yes, they are just that sickening. I can never spend time with my sister because she's always going to be with Snow. Now how can I tell her how much I'm going to miss her if he's just sitting in the other room, listening in on our serious conversation? Impossible.

Where's Sazh?

I know he said an hour, but I got impatient and showed up at the station early. He was always good to talk to because he was older and, admittedly, a great deal more mature than I was. He would know what to do. I would listen to what he says, I think. I would know that, no matter what he says, it's in my best interest. I know this.

I was seated at a bench, legs crossed, when I first saw Dajh stumble off the train. There was a baby chocobo flitting around him and he waved when he saw me. After a few people wandered off, Sazh emerged looking slightly panicked because he didn't spot Dajh right away. He spotted me and gave a hurried wave before his eyes settled on his son. "There he is," He sighed, approaching the both of us. "When the city was in view, he just took off. Lucky you were waiting at the station…" He checked his watch and pursed his lips, "…so early."

"Well, lucky you showed up so early." I countered with a smile. "How is everything?"

"Everything's good, it's good," He nodded, smiling also. "Dajh was excited to see Bodhum again. He kept asking me, 'When are we going to see Snow?'" Here, he laughed.

My face couldn't have dropped faster even if I wanted it to.

Sazh wasn't dense so he got it right away. "What's… with that?" Okay, so maybe he didn't get it. He probably just thought I was losing it too. I should stop assuming that's what people think of me. "Is there something going on that I don't know about?" He paused. "Something going on with you… and Snow?"

Ugh, why?

"Snow?" Dajh piped up, throwing his hands up in pure, childhood, effervescent _glee_. "When are we going to see him? You know, last time, he picked me aaaaaalllllll the way up and put me on his shoulders, and carried me around like a robot!" He chuckled. Bless him.

I couldn't glare at Dajh, so I glared at Sazh instead. Sazh shook his head quickly, "Hey, he's been looking forward to the wedding just as much as you have."

But I haven't. … I shrugged. "Oh."

Within seconds, I felt something small tugging at my skirt. I looked down and saw Dajh, smiling his toothy smile at me, "Miss Lightning, do you think Snow and Serah will have babies?"

I was pretty sure I swallowed my tongue. Sazh choked on air, I assume, and looked away quickly. I gave another shrug, but Dajh was young and didn't understand what that really meant. "I don't…I don't think so, no."

"Aww," Dajh sighed. "It would have been nice to have more friends."

And suddenly, I felt like shit.

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Huzzah. :)


	3. 003: Just say it

**A/N:** Okay so I know some people have been asking about Hope... and he will be in the story haha. Not this chapter, but soon. :) Just wanted to say thanks again to those who are reading!

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Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 3

Even though I offered my house several times as we walked from the station into town, Sazh refused and said he and Dajh were going to rent a hotel room instead. He argued it was part of the "sight-seeing" experience. I really hoped he would've agreed to take my extra room because then at least I could use Dajh to distract Snow while I talked to Serah.

I pleaded with Sazh, "Are you sure I can't… you know,keep him for a day?"

"You can't just take my kid…"

Right. "Well, just know, you can stop by whenever you want."

"Of course," Sazh nodded as he held out his hand for an awaiting Dajh. "Dajh here really wants to see Snow, and I can't congratulate Serah enough on her engagement. I could congratulate her enough for the both of us!"

"Yeah, I don't doubt that at all." I smiled dryly, casting a wayward glance at the sky. "But listen, you two should come over for lunch."

"Or early lunch!" Dajh chipped in. He turned to me, as if informing me on the biggest development in his life since I'd last seen him, "It's early lunch now."

Sazh chuckled, lifting Dajh up onto his shoulders, "Yeah, early lunch – bacon, soups, and breadsticks – how about it?" He glanced up at Dajh, and the two of them began to chuckle in synch. I smiled a little. It was nice seeing Sazh so happy. I felt like it was easier to feel happy for him than it was for me to feel happy for Serah. Is that bad? I know it is. I can't help it. Oh, Serah… I don't know what to say.

"Well, I don't know if we have any of that," I said, crossing my arms. Dajh's face fell instantly and I saw him look down at Sazh through his hair, disappointed. Ugh, again? I can never say anything this kid takes well. "Uh—" I interrupted. "—but… there's a chance of Snow." I'm so clever.

Dajh nodded firmly, crossing his arms like I was, atop Sazh's head. "I'm sold." He's so precious, I could die.

The three of us – or two, since Dajh was too preoccupied with his chocobo – talked about nothing as we headed back to the house. I was still feeling anxious that Snow was shirtless. I mean, I know I left awhile ago, so there really should be no reason why he was still walking around without a shirt in my house. However, he was that kind of person. He can't sense awkwardness well. So he would find nothing wrong with his lack of a shirt or anything. And his 'well I just woke up' reason? I don't buy it.

I slowly pushed open the front door. It creaked. I had to fix that immediately. I could hear footsteps scampering down the hall and I knew at once that it was Serah. As I shut the door gently behind Sazh and Dajh, she appeared, looking flustered and hurried. "Claire," she said, breathily.

"Serah." I replied curtly. I gestured briefly to our two visitors, "Dajh, Sazh, Serah; Serah, Dajh, Sazh. You remember, don't you?" I looked at her and she nodded right away. She was acting funny. There was still a Villiers in my house, wasn't there? Okay there has to be a better way to ask that. I looked at Dajh and I remembered there was at least one person who wanted to see that… _guy_. "Where's Snow? Dajh is looking for him."

"He's – he's coming. He's just… upstairs."

Um. "What for?"

"Oh, just…" She scratched her head nervously and took a step forward to pat Dajh, who instantly beamed, on the head. "You know." No, I don't. "Can I talk to you for a second? Alone?" Her eyes locked with mine and I knew there was trouble. I can't believe this. She's pregnant, isn't she? There's going to be more Villiers, aren't there? This is so unnecessary. But I couldn't get angry at her. No, no. That would… she wouldn't trust me anymore. She wouldn't want to talk to me anymore if I blew up in her face. I should play it cool. I should let her tell me whatever she wants, and then outline to her my five-step program to rid herself of the Villiers child – oh my goodness, that was the worst thing I've ever thought of in my entire life. I – God, if she knew I thought that, she would never speak to me again. I need to not… I just need to not, okay.

"Claire?"

"Yes?"

"Talk. Can we?"

"Where's Snow?"

She rolled her eyes and rushed to the foot of the staircase. For a moment, she looked like she was going to yell something, but after taking another glance at me, she quickly rushed up the stairs and emerged with a flustered Snow. What is with all the flusteration? What's going on? Ugh. There is a baby. I knew it. I'm not ready to be an aunt. I'm not ready to be an aunt to a blond Villiers baby.

Snow didn't look at me when he came downstairs. Obviously, he wouldn't. I would've knocked his eyes square out of his face if he did. Well. Would I? Would that make Serah happy? No. But it would make me very, very ha—

"Hey, big guy!" Snow grinned suddenly, bypassing me and scooping up Dajh. "How've you been?"

"Without a robot!" Dajh exclaimed, throwing his hands up as he giggled. "I've missed my Billers robot!"

"… Villiers."

"Vi…Bill…"

"You'll learn." Snow shrugged. He glanced at me too – why was everyone glancing? What is this? It's so noncommittal. If someone has something to say, such as 'there will be blond babies', I'd like to hear it now so I can murder Snow and effectively postpone the wedding. "Come on, let's get out of here. Sis looks like she's gonna have a heart attack." What? He rushed away with an intrigued Dajh – "A _real_ heart attack?" I heard him say – and Serah was looking at me funny. I can't stand this.

I turned to Sazh, who I noticed was waiting for all the awkwardness to pass. I should've warned him that the atmosphere was pretty much a bag of mixed signals since morning. "You can ravage my kitchen." I told him. "I think there's cabbage somewhere in a tray."

"A-actually," Serah spoke up. She made it a point to avoid my eyes completely as she spoke to Sazh around my head. "Snow cooked lunch. So. There's stuff in the kitchen." She smiled warmly at him.

Sazh smiled back, "Aww, well…" I turned around to look at him. How is it that everyone is buying into this Snow thing except for me? I don't know. I feel as if I've somehow been robbed of a sister, robbed of a house, robbed of the only small child I've ever liked, robbed of my friends, my integrity – all because of Snow Villiers. This is ridiculous. I – "Are…" Sazh cleared his throat. And I realized I was still looking at him. Tenaciously. He took a cautious step back. "Hey, don't take this out on me. Whatever it is that's wrong with you, you better get that ish fixed."

I can't believe he just said 'ish'. I can't believe he has built-in censors. That is insane. I wonder if that will happen to Serah after the kid. I wonder if I'll have to build censors into my daily speech too. Ugh. I turned back to face Serah as Sazh slipped into the kitchen and I could hear Dajh yelling commands at Snow from the sitting room. If only it was that easy…

"Claire," Serah cleared her throat. "I have something I want to tell you – b-but you can't tell anyone because I'm not really sure yet—"

"Oh my God." I gasped, my breath caught in my throat. I held up a hand to silence her. "I've heard enough. I can't even believe this. How… _how _did this happen?"

Serah clasped her hands together, and bit her tongue. "It's," She began tiredly. "It's just that – okay, don't tell Snow I told you, because he said I shouldn't mention it… b-because you talked to him yesterday about it."

So after I brought up the kids thing, he realized it was a perfect time to exploit my sister? Yeah. First and last child he's ever going to have. "Are you serious, Serah? That's so irresponsible of you!"

"I know!" She groaned, rubbing a hand down her face. "I know, but we stayed up all night after you went to bed—"

"Holy fuck and a half, Serah, I don't need to know _how _it happened!" I snapped. "Just – I mean," Ugh, what am I saying? "Do you… do you have a _name _for it?"

She blinked twice. "Excuse me?"

"Ugh, obviously not, this is a… a recent… event. Okay." I groaned. I've never had to do this, ever. This was definitely… I was not prepared for this. Okay. Here goes. "Listen, Serah," Hmm. … "I don't… I mean, I'm not… I'm your sister, but I'm still older… and this is technically my house. So. I mean, I don't set a lot of rules or anything. But just… and I mean, I know you're… getting married or whatever, but just – it's too soon. It's _way _too soon to be… doing that. I – oh God – um… well, you're still so young so I don't… I don't know." I don't. I really don't.

Serah stood blinking for awhile longer. Once, twice, thrice – I could tell she was trying to read me. I thought I was being pretty straightforward. I figured she would at least take something away from that. Goodness. I can't do this. I can never be a parent. I can barely lecture my own sister. This is so embarrassing. Serah quickly stepped forward and grabbed me by the shoulders, staring straight into my eyes. She said, "What in the actual hell are you talking about?"

Wait, what? "What do you mean?" I hissed, and cast a glance over my shoulder to make sure no one was listening. Snow was. He probably was, somewhere in the sitting room. He's like that. "You're the one who's having a baby!" I whispered the last part as quietly as I could. I knew if Sazh heard, he'd definitely freak out. He should be having this talk with Serah. He has a child; he should know how to phrase things in a relatively objective manner. I had no prior practice with this.

Serah gasped suddenly and grabbed her stomach. I bet she didn't expect me to find out this way. I felt kind of bad, but still, how could she? I agreed to a wedding, not babies. "I'm – no way, I'm not having a baby! That's insane. Who told you that?"

"You're not?" I did little to hide the happiness in my voice. I think I concealed my smile well, though. I didn't want her to think I was _too _happy, even though I was... _so happy._ "Oh my God… that's… joyful." Joyful?

"Claire, what…?"

"Okay, so if you weren't talking about babies, what exactly were you trying to say? The thing with Snow? And the… the shirt?"

"Oh God, sis," I think I heard a faint chuckle in her voice. At least she had a sense of humour, right? She crossed her arms, "You're so… I don't even know." Thanks. "The actual reason Snow stayed over – and I'm sorry, I know I should've asked you first, but it was late – well, yeah, it's because we were looking through venues… in Palumpolum." She looked as if she was bracing herself for an outburst. I literally had no comment. All I could do was shrug. How ridiculously random. "He said you mentioned it yesterday, saying that I would like it, but I know the real reason you brought it up is because you like Palumpolum… I remember you liked visiting." She smiled. "So, we were thinking, because even though it's not really about you, you've been so nice to me and so supportive… we were thinking about moving the wedding there instead, just so you could go. It'd be like when we were young. What do you say?"

That is… that is _so sweet. _I really didn't know what to say. The fact that she was thinking of me when she really shouldn't have been was admirable. But I… Palumpolum or Bodhum or Nautilus – it didn't matter; I didn't want her to go through with the wedding. What could I say? No matter where they hold it, I will still be a bitter, bitter child. But look – now's the perfect time to tell her how you feel. She's waiting for a response, there's no Snow, there's no Sazh – but wait, didn't I say I would ask Sazh his opinion first? He doesn't seem to be catching any of the vibes, though. I can't believe he seriously thinks I'm happy with this. But maybe it's just an assumption. It would be safe to assume that, yes, an older sister would be happy that her younger sister is getting married. Or, even, her younger sister is _happy_. But I don't know. I just can't… ugh, what's wrong with me? Even after she was thinking of moving the venue for me? I'm such a… I don't even know. This is so difficult. She's staring at me. What am I supposed to say?

Where's Sazh?

"I'll be… right back." I said quickly, and rushed into the kitchen. I know; that was a bitch move. I apologize. I'll apologize to her later as well. But I wasn't really thinking today. I had my mind set so much on one thing that it was like everything else was subordinated. I just needed someone to tell me that I was right. "Sazh? Sazh?" I stalked my way to where he was seated at the table with a bowl of steamed vegetables, rice, and breadsticks… steamed vegetables? … Snow can cook? "Uh… Sazh?" I lost my train of thought completely.

"This is _good_." He said, jutting a finger to just about everything in front of him. "Have you tried this?"

I pulled up a chair beside him, casting sketchy glances over my shoulder every now and then. "It's… yeah, it looks great. Listen. I need to ask you a favour."

"Anything." He answered, chomping on breadsticks. I didn't speak right away but it's only because I really couldn't phrase anything right today. He seemed to sense my anxiety and almost in an instant, he put down his fork, he put down his breadstick, and he pointed an accusatory finger at me. "No." He said.

"N-no what?" I stuttered. "I don't… understand."

"Just no." He repeated, narrowing his eyes at me. "Listen, I'm not going to let you go through with this. You can't – you _cannot _– bring me into this. I refuse."

Okay, now I was lost. "What are you talking about, Sazh?"

"No, what are _you_ talking about?"

This is irritating.

"I've seen it too many times before – a bride-to-be's older, sometimes younger, sister hooks up with her sister's fiancée—" WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. "—and I can't be a part of this. I'm not going to let you ruin this for them, okay? So whatever's going on, whatever it is, it needs to stop."

How offensive. "_What_?" I cringed. "That is disgusting. There is nothing going on between me and Snow. You – this – horrible misunderstanding. That's not at all what I was going to say. But now, sad to say, you've… made me so incomprehensibly nauseous that I have to leave. I need to go." I stood up. "What's with everyone thinking I have a thing for Snow, by the way? It seems to be becoming routine."

Sazh simply shook his head, "I don't know. I _don't _know."

I sighed, "I think I've made up my mind, though." I looked at him, square in the eyes. "I'm going to tell her. I'm just going to say it."

"Say what?" He asked.

"Say what?" She asked.

Wait.

I whipped around quickly to see Serah standing in the doorway, hands poised on the door frame, eyes unwavering. I felt _horrible_. Did she hear anything? Did she know what we were talking about? I really hope not. This was… this was just not going well. She cautiously approached, and I could see nothing but fear in her eyes. Great. This was great.

"I…" Okay, no, wait. Am I really going to say it? I've had this conversation too many times before. But at the same time, I felt even worse pretending to be supportive when I really wasn't. Look at her. She's done nothing to deserve this from me. I shouldn't lie to her anymore. I should tell her the truth. "Serah," I began, shakily. No, no, composure! Don't be such a bitch. Say it properly.

"Y-yes?" She seemed startled – so I grabbed her hands because, obviously, this would take away the awkwardness. Well. It didn't. I could feel her wanting to edge away from me, but I held tight. I could hear Sazh chewing behind me. It was actually quite calming. "What's wrong?" She asked timidly.

I shook my head. "Serah," Steady breaths… "I don't want you to go through with this."

And almost at once, I could hear her heart breaking. Or perhaps that was Dajh pushing over my crystal ornaments in the other room. Either way, the shatter was omnipresent.

_---_

Chyeeeeah. :)_  
_


	4. 004: Family Matters

**A/N:** Woohoo. :) Guys, today I saw an ad for FF13 on TV and I legit started to tear up LOL. I'm such a sap. At first, I wasn't the biggest fan of "My Hands", but now I love it. :) [/relevance]

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Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 4

She said she wanted to talk and I believed her.

Ripping my hands from hers, she said I should follow her outside onto the porch where no one could hear.

I wrinkled my nose in agitation and followed behind her quick steps until we were outside in the fresh air and the door was shut firmly behind us.

…

"What the _hell_, Claire? What the actual hell?" She snapped, crossing her arms. She glared at me and gave me a quick look, up and down, before she figured the easiest way to break me was to stare into my eyes, peer into my soul.

Well, no. I am not easy to break. I crossed my arms too and shrugged, "Okay, come on, Serah… you knew this wouldn't work. He doesn't even have a job."

"_You _don't have a job!"

Well played.

I groaned, "That's – that's not even the point – listen to me—"

"Because you know exactly what you're talking about, right?" She questioned.

"Um, yes," I told her. She moved towards the door but I shifted to stand in front of her. "No, no, no, you're not going to run away from me. You said you wanted to talk, so we're talking."

"Is this talking?" She asked. "Because the way I see it, this is about you and your weird insecurities. You've already kind of made up my mind for me, and now you're informing me of the collective decision. How thoughtful. I'll remember this, don't worry."

"No, listen – this _is _about you!" I said. I looked at her; she avoided my eyes. "I don't think this is a good idea _for you_. Don't you understand? How… how can you justify this for the rest of your life? You're eighteen. You don't need to get married. You don't need to get married to Snow Villiers. That – that is not what's going to make you happy."

She looked at me, shocked, "You don't know anything about my happiness, Claire. You don't know anything abouthappiness in general. I don't know why I thought talking to you would make a difference. This is _the _biggest waste of time… ever." She turned on her heel and skipped down the steps onto the street. I should've asked where she was going. I really should have. I cared, after all. I cared a lot about her. Why couldn't she see that?

And ugh, Snow Villiers. He was like the evil that never dies; repressed thoughts come back to haunt you in consciousness. This whole ordeal was making me dislike him. He was standing by the door when I came back in, casting furtive glances my way after he noticed Serah wasn't with me. He probably heard everything we were saying too. "I didn't hear anything you were saying." He said. Oh… how cute.

I didn't want to talk to him. In fact, now that Serah was gone, he really shouldn't be here anymore. I gave him "a look" and slipped by him into the sitting room. I could hear Sazh talking to Dajh in a low voice in the kitchen. Dajh would bring something up and Sazh would shush him and tell him to speak quieter. Obvious eavesdropping. Well, luckily, I had nothing to say.

I sat down on my sofa, throwing my feet up on the coffee table – and… Snow… joined me. Also throwing his feet up on my coffee table. …

"What do you want?" I mumbled.

"This is about the wedding, right?" He asked quietly.

I stared at the wall.

"I knew it." He sighed. "I was thinking… maybe two months is too soon, especially since you obviously have issues to sort out."

I smiled dryly, "You're my issue, Snow."

"Oh," He smirked. "And what are we planning to do about that?"

I looked at him. He stared back at me. This was going nowhere.

I let my eyes drift back to the wall in front of me. "Do you have something important to say? Now would be the time to say it while I'm still listening."

"I don't know," He shrugged. "I mean, I could say it, but you should already know you're being a bitch."

"Shit!" I heard Sazh exclaim from the kitchen.

Ugh… parasites. I sat up straight and turned to face Snow. He shrugged again. I should have maimed him when I had the chance. I moved to slap him but he caught my arm just in time and forced it back in my lap. I groaned, "Excuse me. But. You're in _my house _and last time I checked, I wanted to shave your head with fire." He looked away as I said this. "I won't do it because I've already pissed off Serah enough today and I don't want her to bitch at me when she comes back—"

"You mean, _if _she comes back."

I pursed my lips and glared him down.

Snow Villiers is obviously not fazed by anything. He grinned and nudged me in the arm, "Come on, sis, you know you love me."

Oh my God, why is he so thick?

Dajh wandered into the room, taking several casual glances at the two of us on the sofa. Snow waved; I… did not. I wanted to. But I was so angry. Just. Anger.

Suddenly, the front door burst open and Serah stormed in. She ran upstairs and I could hear rummaging and things being… thrown. I tried not to look worried. Snow didn't look worried, and if he wasn't worried, then I shouldn't be. But then again, Snow doesn't worry about anything. I should be worried, then. Serah came back downstairs within seconds with a huge bag stuffed full of God-knows-what… and her keys – keys? Wait. "Serah?" I called. She scowled at me, but didn't say anything.

She looked at Snow, "Come on, we have to go. Train leaves in an hour."

"Where?" I asked sharply. She didn't answer. I turned to Snow, "Where are you going?"

"I have… no idea," He shrugged, but still got to his feet. I stood up too. Sazh stopped being such a creeper and slid around the corner into the sitting room.

Serah had rushed over and grabbed Snow by the wrist, pulling him over to the doorway and, sadly, far away from where I could successfully slap him. I groaned – I had been groaning a lot – "Serah, what's going on? Where are you going?" I was actually really scared. I didn't want her to answer, but I found myself talking before I could realize it. The point is that she was going somewhere away from me, and I was frustrated. I didn't want to know where she was going. I just wanted her to stay.

"We—" She gestured between herself and Snow. "—are going to Palumpolum to get married."

Shit.

"Um," Snow spoke up, and looked at her cautiously. "Like… in two months, though, right?"

She shook her head, "No, no – tomorrow."

Fuck. No. How… ugh, just no. "Serah, I know you're pissed at me," I said, carefully heading over to where she was standing. I bypassed Dajh who looked way too intrigued. You know, I'm not a parent, but this would be a good time for Sazh to maybe take him into another room, right? I glanced over my shoulder and noticed Sazh leaned up against the wall, slowly shaking his head. Yeah. "Um," I looked back at Serah. "Okay, I know you're angry, but this – just… don't do this, okay? Rushing into marriage, uh, w-with Snow, is not the answer to this problem."

"I don't have a problem." She stated. "You, however, maybe need to sort some things out. I'm perfectly fine. And – I'm changing my last name tomorrow." Christ. And within seconds, she turned to Snow, threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him. In front of my face. Just. I'm pretty sure I saw tongue. This. This was not happening. I'm pretty sure I heard Dajh exclaim something like "oh my God!" before Sazh ushered him into another room. I wish I could be ushered into another room. I wish I could wake up from this horrible, relentless nightmare. Is there any mercy left in this world?

Once she had successfully… sucked his face off, she settled back on her feet – and yet, still not grounded at all what the hell is wrong with this girl – and she smiled at me, "Bye, Claire." She grabbed Snow by the hand and they disappeared out the front door.

…

This can't be happening. This is my worst nightmare, hands down. Serah running off to elope with an unemployed, reckless, overgrown child is definitely one thing I never thought I would live to see. There's always the possibility that I'm dead, though.

I crossed my arms and slid my way into the kitchen where Sazh was trying to keep Dajh quiet by feeding him. We locked eyes and he slowly shook his head. He'd been shaking his head a lot and I'd been groaning myself to death; what a useful pair. I pulled up a chair beside him, and rested my head in my arms on the table.

"Sucks being a parent." Sazh said – and then quickly looked at Dajh and bit his tongue. "Well, what I meant was—"

"She's my sister." I groaned into the table. "I'm not mom. I thought she was mature enough to at least know that I really do care about her."

Sazh sighed and pet Dajh on the head softly as he watched him chew through a salad. "Well, what can you do? If she wants to get married – and I mean, if she loves him, which… uh, she better after _that _– but you know, maybe there's nothing you can do."

Ugh, offensive. I sat up and lowered my eyes at Sazh. "Listen," I drawled, pointing at Dajh. "One day, your kid is going to grow up – your kid's going to be eighteen and he's going to want to marry a prostitute." Sazh's eyes blew up when I said this and he shook his head vehemently. "Yes, okay, yes." I snapped. "He's going to want to marry a prostitute. Well, you know what? That prostitute can't support him, that prostitute doesn't have a real job, that prostitute is obviously just taking advantage of your kid – that prostitute is a _prostitute_. There's no way around it."

"Snow's not into prostitution."

"No, but that's what it _feels _like. It feels like she found him on the street and was like… 'let's get married'… because he's _tall_. I just – I don't know what to do." My head came crashing back down to the table again.

"Do you really think she'll do it, though?" Sazh asked. "Do you think she'll marry him?"

"I know she will, if not just to piss me off. But it's what she wants. She doesn't care if I'm angry or if I'm trying to look out for her…"

"Don't think like that. She'll come back – I bet she'll be here first thing in the morning."

"Yeah – with a ring, a marriage certificate, and a blond Villiers baby."

"Okay, you're exaggerating now."

"I am not." I sighed, and slowly lifted my head off the table. My eyes locked with Dajh's. He was staring at me while he chewed amiably on lettuce. It never once occurred to me that maybe he thought I was being ridiculous. I wonder what he thought of this in general. He was just six. He probably didn't understand. He smiled at me as he chewed and I felt so bad that I couldn't return it properly. He probably thought I was a sour bitch. Serah probably thought I was a sour bitch. Maybe I am a sour bitch. Oh God. I looked at Sazh. He looked at me and shrugged. It felt like everyone was shrugging today. So noncommittal. "Sazh," I began. "I need to get to Palumpolum. Right now."

"No." He shook his head sternly. "There's no way I'm letting you get on a train to Palumpolum to ruin that little girl's life. If she's happy, then let her be happy."

It's true. It's so true. I kept saying I cared about Serah's happiness, but yet here I was trying to ruin it. For whatever reason, I just can't believe it… she doesn't know that she's going to be unhappy in two years. She's being blinded by her infatuation, her desperate need to irritate me, and Snow's ridiculously blond hair that she's not living in reality. Why do I have to be the bad guy when I'm honestly just trying to look out for her?

"Understood?" Sazh interrupted, searching my face for any hidden… whatever.

I sighed and held my right hand across my chest. "Understood, sir."

He chuckled at this. I returned his smile, albeit wearily, and got up from the table.

…

So I need to get to Palumpolum.

I can take a train and be there in like… four hours? Three? I don't even know. But I don't have anything extra to rent a hotel with. I could always ask Sergeant Amodar if he knew anyone – ugh, but if I have to explain the reason, he'll say something stupid and it will irritate me. No, I can't tell him. Who else…

…

"Hello, this is the Estheim residence. How may I help you?"

"Hope. It's me."

There was a brief pause – oh come on, he didn't recognize my voice? I was on the phone in the study, creeping behind a wall. I had to check every now and then to make sure Sazh wasn't listening in or he'd verbally assault me. After I just told him that I wasn't going to ruin Serah's oh-so-decadent wedding, there was no way I could justify being on the phone with a fourteen-year-old resident of Palumpolum randomly. Randomly.

"Lightning…?"

"Yes! Yes. Listen, where's your dad? I need to talk to him."

"You can talk to me." He answered indignantly. "My dad's busy. He's always busy these days… do you have a minute? I kind of want to tell you what's been going on."

"I – I'd love to listen, but I really need…" I checked the hallway: clear. "I actually don't have much time right now. But we can talk later – sooner than you think, actually – if you just let me talk to your dad. I need to ask him one question. Just the one."

"Okay well, I can ask him for you." Ugh, kids. "Honestly, if I put you on hold, it'll take ages. Can I just tell you? Really quickly?"

"N—"

"He's having an affair!" His hissed over the line, and sighed dramatically. "Okay, so it's not a real affair because my mom's obviously dead – but I mean, he didn't even seem _really sad _after I told him, you know? After everything that happened, and the Purge, and everything! He was just like 'okay, whatever' and then found some random woman at his work to shack up with! Okay so he obviously didn't say 'okay, whatever' and he cried over mom and stuff – but still, that's what it felt like to me, like he was just bored sleeping by himself every night. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. And I thought we'd get along great after everything that happened… but now I just want to move out. I can't live here anymore. He doesn't want me here, she's just this random woman trying to take my mom's place, and all my friends always seem to be busy! So can I move to Bodhum with you? Please? I'll be good, and I'm really good at vacuuming."

Goodness. "Hope, where is your dad?"

"You didn't even listen to a word I said! I'm pretty sure my dad is having sex with this random woman right now!"

Okay… so. I checked the hall again: clear, but I could see a glimpse of a bobbing afro about three-feet off the ground. "Okay, Hope, okay. If your dad is actually having sex with this woman, it's none of your business."

"I know, I know—"

"Also. You have spare rooms. I need to stay in one. I'll tell you, and your dad, and this random woman, and whoever else, the reason when I get there. Is that okay? Just answer yes or no, please; I'm in a hurry."

"Y-yes—"

"Okay."

"But—"

"I'll see you in—" Oh no, footsteps approaching. "—threeorsohoursokaybye."

I hung up.

Sazh appeared in the doorway, arms crossed.

Dajh poked out from around his leg. He smiled, "I really like Palumpolum. Take me with you?"

Before I could reply, Sazh began to shake his head menacingly at me. I suppose that meant I couldn't take the kid.

_----_

A huge hanks to everyone reading! 3 It most definitely means a lot. :)_  
_


	5. 005: Voice of reason

**A/N:** Apologies! I was supposed to post this up yesterday ._. Um. In happier news, I started replaying XIII :) Definitely one of the more emotionally-charged Final Fantasies, I think~

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Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 5

"You are not getting on that train."

"I have to. What kind of person would I be if I let my sister marry Snow Villiers?"

"Well, she'd respect you, so by default, a pretty good one."

"I – even if she respects me, what does it really matter? She's going to be unhappy for the rest of her life."

"How do you know? Have you seen the future?"

"Wha…" I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "Listen, Sazh, I'm not going to argue with you."

"Because you know I'm right." He said tersely.

"Right?" I gasped. "Okay, so, because you seem to know… name one good quality that Snow has, just one."

Sazh cocked his eyebrow at me and held up a hand, counting down with each finger, "He's caring, reliable, strong-willed—"

"What the hell? I said one."

"—the man can cook—"

"I said _one_." I glared at him. "And… personality traits don't count."

"Oh come on, Lightning – Miss _Claire Farron_," Sazh chuckled wryly. "You're being impossible now. You're being way too hard on the guy! He's a good kid; he's got a good heart. I figure you know that, but you just don't want to let someone else be right."

I crossed my arms and looked over my shoulder. I think that's the train. Finally.

"Unless my first cliché theory is true," Sazh tapped his chin mockingly. "Are there some hidden feelings—?"

"No." I interrupted, putting a hand up to stop him. "Listen. That's my train. I'm getting on that train, and Serah is not marrying anyone. She will thank me in approximately three days once she sees what a huge mistake this is. If there's one thing I know about my sister, it's that she's absolutely not getting married without a dress and she doesn't have one yet. There's still time." I slung my bag over my shoulder and reached forward to pet Dajh on the head. He smiled and I headed onto the train, not stopping to say anything to Sazh.

I handed my bag to the train staff, which they shipped off with the rest of the luggage, and settled into a seat near the front by a window. As soon as I sat down, someone sat down in the seat next to me. I turned to look quickly and was greeted by an oddly familiar face. He smiled. I… I don't know. I forgot his name. He was a friend of Snow's, though; the one with the raging red hair and obvious indifference to shirts.

"You're Serah's sister, aren't you?" He asked. His voice was kind of raspy and very thick. He then gave me a weird sort of nod, as if prompting me to say that, yes, I was in fact Serah's sister.

"… yes." I answered curtly. "And you're Snow's friend, aren't you?"

"Clever." He grinned, nodding. Clever? How is that clever?

He didn't say anything, and I had nothing to say. I shifted a little and turned to the window. The train sounded like it would start up soon—

"So, what's your name?" He asked suddenly, poking his head in my line of vision.

"Lightning," I told him.

He chuckled, "No, I meant your _real _name."

I pursed my lips. "You can call me Lightning."

He nodded slowly – the slow realization that this conversation was over, no doubt – and stopped bothering me. I really hoped he wasn't headed to Palumpolum—

Goodness, what if he's headed to Palumpolum? What if – what if he's going for the wedding? Would Snow actually invite him? Ugh, of course he would, they're friends. I needed to ask him but I… at the risk of speaking to him again, it's… just. …

"Hey…" I spoke up quietly. It took him awhile to realize I was talking to him. I don't blame him. I gave a weak smile and he shrugged. "Uh," I cleared my throat. "Listen—"

"Oh, whoa, you're talking to me now?" He asked – and underneath his dumbfounded exterior, I could see the hints of a stupid smirk… he thought I was coming onto him. This is great. "And you wouldn't even tell me your name."

"Okay, listen… you," What was his name, anyway? "Everyone calls me Lightning, except for my family, so there's really no reason why you should be taking it personally. Now… why are you going to Palumpolum?" I realized this was a very creepy thing to ask, especially since I didn't know or like this person.

"Excuse me?" He was just as confused.

"Like, is it for… an event… of some kind?" I didn't want to mention the wedding. Besides, who do I really know out of Snow's friends? That girl at the bar who also has an indifference to shirts? I have no idea who he invited. There's always the hope that I could tell this guy and when he gets to Palumpolum, he can bitch to Snow while I steal Serah. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

The guy looked away uncomfortably and then back at me. Maybe I was being too eager? I shouldn't have seemed so desperate. Or, you know what, maybe I should've pretended to come onto him and then asked him. Guys are suckers for that kind of shit.

"I'm going to visit a friend. Haven't seen him in awhile. What about you? Why are you going to Palumpolum?" He asked, leaning in closer for my answer.

"Uh, same." I said awkwardly. "I mean, I'm… staying with my friend. He's… yeah."

"It's a _he_, hmm?" He drawled, slyly.

Oh wait. "Oh, no, no, it's not like that." I said. "He's fourteen."

At this, the guy's eyes blew open – ugh, why did I not see this coming? I'm so tactless today. This is ridiculous. "_Fourteen_?" He repeated before I could say anything. "God… didn't know you were into younger guys." Holy shit. "Would Serah approve?"

Wait, what does he mean 'would Serah approve'? Would Serah need to approve? So far, her judgment is twisted and sometimes not credible because she's planning on getting married to Snow Villiers. I bet if she had anything remotely related to proper judgment left, she would know that a shotgun wedding and a plan to change her last name in twenty-four hours is not the way to go. In fact, she would even be so bright as to assume that her older sister – the only real family she has left, mind you – cares a lot about her… and, you know, her sister is the kind of person who doesn't care about anyone so easily, so she really shouldn't… take advantage of that.

... why am I evaluating Serah's good judgment based on my Platonic relationship with Hope? What the hell is wrong with me? And what the hell is wrong with this guy for thinking that I would be sexually attracted to a fourteen-year-old boy? Is he out of his raging, flamboyant mind?

"I'm not sleeping with him, you idiot." I snapped. "I'm staying with his family because I don't want to stay in a hotel. What is wrong with you?"

He bit his tongue and shook his head quickly. "I didn't mean it like that, sorry. I mean, it was just set up so perfectly."

"_What_?"

"You gotta admit, you kind of walked into that one."

"Can you just shut up?"

And finally.

The train eventually pulled up at the station in Palumpolum about three hours later. It was definitely the most uncomfortable ride I'd ever had to sit through. That guy kept glancing at me as if I was going to apologize. I think he thought I told him off accidentally. How clever.

I grabbed my bag and stepped onto the platform. First, I needed to find a taxi. Then, I needed to find Hope.

"Lightning!"

Oh.

He'd actually showed up at the station. That was… this was not painting a good picture for whats-his-face flaming guy. Hope grinned and waved as he approached me. Before he could say anything, I ushered him off to the side and looked over my shoulder. Raging flamboyance had disappeared but I didn't forget that I was in Palumpolum and somewhere in the city, Serah was planning a wedding. Horrid. It probably wouldn't happen, but I cringed to think of her seeing me at the station. What kind of excuse would I give? 'I just came to check up on you'? She wouldn't buy that. I think she's done thinking that I'm looking out for her. "What's wrong?" Hope asked hurriedly. "Are you being followed?"

"No, it's just… it's a long story, literally, as well as figuratively." I shrugged. "How did you get here? We need to get back to your house right now before I run into… people."

"So you're being followed?" He asked again.

Goodness. "Find a taxi. We have to go."

"Okay." He nodded and headed onto the street. I followed slowly, taking cautious steps. For whatever reason, it just felt like I would run into Serah at any second. If I did run into her now, what would she think? She'd think I was being a creeper and she would hate me for the rest of her life, most likely.

Palumpolum was ridiculously busy but within seconds, a fleet of taxis descended on the station. Only at a station would you find such pleasant taxi drivers; one of them got out of his seat and smiled, "And where are you two off to?"

I was disturbed, but Hope quickly gave him an address and slipped him some gil. He waved us in and, after we were safely in the back seat, sped out of the station and onto the expressway. I liked this man. He didn't try and chat you up like he cared about your life story, or that anything you had to say would make a difference in his life. He smiled, he drove, he waved, and he was gone. He was extremely efficient.

"I didn't tell my dad you were coming, but he's always in a good mood because of that random woman." Hope rolled his eyes as we approached his house. "Honestly, when you meet her, you'll see what I'm talking about. She's just so creepy sometimes and she always rubs me the wrong way. I mean, like, literally…" And he pat his head awkwardly like he was scrubbing his hair or something. "Like that. Like she'll always rub my hair like it's infected. But then it's like, why bother touching it? Honestly."

Right.

The Estheim residence looked a lot better than I remembered. The last time I was here, it was under horrible circumstances, so it could have always looked like this and I wouldn't have noticed. Contrary to recent discussion, Hope's dad was actually not a bitch. He smiled at me when I entered and even reached forward to hug me. "Lightning, is it? I do remember you." He nodded graciously.

I returned the smile, "It's nice to see you again, sir."

He shook his head, "It's Bartholomew. You don't have to call me sir. I heard about the Guardian Corps, so you're not really a soldier anymore, are you?" Tell that to Amodar. "There's no need for formalities. Now," He took my bag – and promptly handed it to Hope. "The only thing Hope told me was that you needed a room."

"Yes," I replied with a sigh. "You see… well, it'll only be for a day, at most. It's – my sister, Serah, she ran away with this guy – you remember Snow? Well, yes. Snow. And. They… she's getting married in Palumpolum. Tomorrow, apparently."

Bartholomew cocked his eyebrow at me, "Is this a shotgun wedding?"

"Yes and no," I said. "There might as well be a child, but at the same time, I know she's just doing this to make me angry."

"And are you… angry?"

I shrugged, "I'm in Palumpolum."

"Fair enough." He smirked, crossing his arms. "But isn't she a little young to be getting married?"

Finally there's a voice of reason. "Exactly!" I nodded. "So you understand why I can't let them get married, then. It'll be way too immature of me to let this happen."

"Of you?" He repeated, bluntly. "You're not getting married."

Obviously. "I know that."

"But then this really has nothing to do with you."

Again with this? "It has everything to do with me. She's _my_ sister. He's… well, it just can't happen. Not so soon, anyway."

"I see." He said, but I could tell he still thought I was being ridiculous. Well, whatever. I didn't think I was being ridiculous. This is perfectly justifiable. If I truly loved my sister, how would I ever think of letting her go through with this? Why can't people just get that? I'm so sick of explaining myself.

"Where's my room?" I asked, this time turning to Hope. He was fourteen. He didn't care at all about my motives because he was too busy being fourteen. I was fourteen once; it was not pretty. It's an awkward time in life where things usually just revolve around you, despite the fact that they don't really.

"This way." Hope said, showing me to the staircase. He led me into the last room on the far left where a bed was nicely made and an empty dresser stood, polished, with a letter on top of it. Before I could read who it was from, Hope snatched it from me and started grumbling profanities. I set my stuff on the bed and walked over casually. He seemed a lot more put off by the letter than I was. He shoved it in my face and I could barely make out the words before he pulled it away. "What's wrong with that woman?" He groaned tiredly.

"What woman? The – the _random _woman?" I asked, making sure to emphasize the word random so that he wouldn't get annoyed.

He seemed content with my compliance. "Look at this – she doesn't even live here, you know. Dad brings her around a lot but she doesn't legally live here."

"What does it say?"

He showed the letter to me, "Look. 'Welcome Miss Farron, I hope you'll enjoy your stay' etcetera, etcetera… etcetera." He looked up at me, expecting me to share his disgust.

I… did not. "I think that's very nice of her."

"How would you feel if I started welcoming people to your house?"

"That's not the same thing."

"Yes it is."

"I'm feeling like you never actually dealt with your mother's passing, Hope."

"Her _death_. I don't like when people sugar-coat things. She's dead." Whoa.

"Okay, well," I cleared my throat. "I know that, at the time, I said a lot of things… but things are different now. We're different people. So if there's anything you want to talk about, I just want you to know that you can… always talk to me. Okay?"

He bit his bottom lip slightly and looked at me. He was at a loss for words – for once. I was somewhat saddened because I thought that was a pretty decent thing to say, and here he was, not replying. I mean, since my own sister is off eloping with some street kid, I kind of felt like a failed guardian figure for awhile. Now here was a young kid who I felt could redeem my past pseudo-parenting failures and he was unresponsive. Great.

"C-can I really?" He asked quietly.

I nodded and offered a short smile. "Of course."

He looked like he was going to say something, but he never did beyond a 'thanks, Light'. It didn't really occur to me right away that his speechlessness was a sign of gratitude. Was it selfish of me to feel closer to Hope than I was my own sister? I guess so. But it hurt… I suppose. Well, it did. It hurt a lot. This wasn't the first time that I wished I was having this kind of conversation with her.

_---_

Thanks again for reading, you guys! It means a lot. :)_  
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	6. 006: Evened Odds

**A/N:** Haaaaay. Haha I really have nothing to say... ._.

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Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 6

I had been in Palumpolum for a total of three hours. I was lying on my bed in the Estheim residence, staring up at the ceiling, seriously thinking over what I was doing there.

Everything seemed so rational to me up until that point. Serah was too young to get married; I knew that. So everything seemed necessary – everything, including coming to Palumpolum, was necessary. But now here I was, thinking over what necessity really meant to me.

Sazh said Serah was happy, but he didn't understand. Dajh was still so young and it's so easy to make young kids happy. If a kid likes chocolate, just give him chocolate and he's okay. If a kid likes going to see the ocean, then take her to the ocean and she's okay. But this… this was not chocolate, and this was not the ocean. This was like saying to your chocolate-loving kid: "No, I can't give you chocolate because you might develop a sugar addiction and get high blood pressure and diabetes in the future". This was like saying to your ocean-loving kid: "No, you can't go see the ocean because I'm afraid the copious amounts of sunlight at the beach might give you skin cancer". This was a hundred times more complicated. Sazh was an adult but I think I was being a bit naïve assuming he'd understand.

The doorbell rang – it was like a gong, really. It echoed throughout the whole house. I lay still because, chances are, whoever was at the door was not there for me. I rolled over onto my side and sighed. Should I just go back home? I think… I think I should just let Serah get married. Of course it would kill me, but then she can get this whole marriage thing out of her system – and then see that it was the wrong choice… ugh, no. I wanted to save her from that. I wanted to save her from the realization that she's actually ruining her life. God. What a conflict.

There was a short knock at my door and I sat up to see who it was. I'm assuming this is the random woman Hope kept talking about. She was dressed enough like a housewife that I wouldn't have thought anything of it if I'd seen her walking around. She smiled warmly at me and took a slow step forward. "Miss Farron?" Her voice was sickeningly sweet. But I could see why Hope didn't like her. I'm not saying I agreed, but Hope didn't seem to take too well to people who reeked of fakeness. He didn't like Snow so much, after all. Well, no, Snow was different. Snow was actually just as irritating as he threatened to be, which was admirable, but irritating nonetheless. I'm getting off track.

"Yes?" I replied.

She grinned and glided in towards the bed, reaching for my hands. She took them and gave them a squeeze, "It's so nice to meet you. I must admit that when Hope mentioned a lady friend of his would be stopping by, I'd assumed she was younger." What? "But if Barty doesn't judge, then I won't judge. Hope has always had a mature spirit about him anyway." …um.

The doorbell rang again.

"Is no one going to get that?" I groaned sleepily. I didn't realize I was so sleepy. Must be the bed. Insanely comfortable for a guest room.

"Oh!" She chirped suddenly, putting a hand to her mouth. "I thought Hope might've answered it. I'll be right back." She smiled at me and turned on her heel.

Almost at once, Hope poked out from the door frame. He looked worried, and panicked – and then when he saw the woman, all his frustration turned to anger. He glared her down for a split second before he looked at me, his eyes filling with fear. "Lightning, we have a problem."

I got to my feet, "What kind of problem?"

"It's—" He looked at me and then at the woman. … I just realized I didn't know her name.

The woman smiled at me, and then turned to smile at Hope. "Hope, have you had lunch yet?"

"I – no, I'm not hungry." He scoffed, while waving to me, "Lightning, _please, _you have to come downstairs."

I slipped by the smiling woman to the doorway and Hope instantly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the staircase. "Hey, hey – kid – what's going on?" I hissed as I tried to keep up with him. We sped down the stairs just as the doorbell rang again. God, whoever's there isn't going to go away, are they? We both stopped seconds before the front door. Hope pointed fervently at it, his eyes filled with adolescent fear. Really. I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to squint through the peephole and

Serah?

I backed away quickly and glared at Hope. "You called her."

"No, no, I didn't." He whispered – and the ushered me into a corner. "I don't know how she knew you were here but I'm scared. I don't know what to say. Do you want me to tell her?"

"No!" I snapped. "Don't say anything."

"But then what _can _I say?"

"I don't know. _I don't know._ Just. Answer the door."

"But—"

I picked him up and dropped him off in front of the door. He looked mortified. I hid behind a large indoor plant off to the side. Hope tried to steady his breathing before he whipped open the door – and put on the fakest smile I'd ever seen. "Serah?" He sounded way too surprised.

"Yeah, hi. Hope, right?" She spoke. She sounded different. I think I was overreacting, though.

"Yes. It's… It's Hope." He chuckled nervously and glanced over at me. Our eyes met for just a second before I shook my head vehemently. He better not say anything about me being here. "What brings you here, to my house, and then to Palumpolum?" Grammatical structure, child!

"Oh," She cleared her throat. "I'm actually looking for my sister." She's lying. She's in Palumpolum because she's getting married. She just came here to show me her ring. "A friend of Snow's called and said he'd seen my sister on the train to Palumpolum but she hasn't called me. I mean, if she came to Palumpolum, she'd call me first. I know she would." Great. Guilt. That's exactly what I needed. "So I told him there's no way it could have been her."

Hope nodded greatly, "Yes. No. There's no way."

"Yeah, right?" She sighed. "But I figured… I mean, I don't know, I called the house and no one picked up, so now I'm just worried. I checked every single hotel in Palumpolum and there's no one with the last name Farron or code name Lightning anywhere."

Hope nodded again. "No. I mean, of course. I mean, why would there be if she's not in Palumpolum? That's just… that's just stupid."

"Right?" She agreed again. "But yeah, I figured that if she was here, she'd probably stay with someone she knew. She's been ridiculously thrifty these days and she hates spending money…" I heard her laugh. Hey. My thriftiness saves us 1000 gil a month, okay. Does she know what 1000 gil can buy—"But I don't know who else she knows in Palumpolum except for you."

Again, Hope nodded. "Of course."

Silence.

"Uh—" Hope choked, shaking his head. "—what I meant to say was that of course you, or I, don't know anyone in Palumpolum that would also know Lightning. That's what I meant."

"Is she here?"

"What?" He squeaked. "Obviously not. If she was here… I mean, if she was really here, I would have called her by now."

"Unless she forced you not to say anything."

Oh, Serah. She knows me too well.

But Hope just shook his head, "Why would she do that? That sounds crazy. She's not crazy and… that's so weird."

"Is it?" Serah asked.

Hope shook his head – and then nodded. "Yes…?"

Silence.

Hope glanced at me and I shook my head again. "Um, she's… did you check…" He cleared his throat and, suddenly, crossed his arms, "Well, okay… _Serah_," Why did he say her name like that? That tone implies that he doesn't believe 'Serah' is her actual name – except that he knows it's her real name. That's so tactless. "Everything you said makes no sense at all. Why would she be in Palumpolum _randomly_?" Yes, Hope gets points for adolescent snarkiness. Hopefully she'll be so put off by this that she'll leave and not ask any more questions.

"Oh, right, I thought you knew," She said. "I'm getting married. T-tomorrow, hopefully."

"Oh – oh wow, insanely huge ring. Congratulations." He smiled. What? Did I ask him to side with her? What is this? He took a casual glance in my direction and stopped smiling the instant he saw the glare grafted onto my face. "U-um… well." He re-crossed his arms, looking back at Serah, "Uh. That still doesn't explain anything. Are you getting married in Palumpolum or something?"

"Supposedly…" I think I just heard doubt in her voice. Real, authentic doubt. I'm _ecstatic_. "I mean, yeah, we are. But it's so hard to… decide on things, you know." She's lying. "I don't know. What am I saying, anyway…" She sighed. "I don't know. I'm sorry for rambling like this."

"… yeah, she's right here."

WHAT.

How – _how _did I miss this? I swear they were having a moment and now all of a sudden, he's calling me out – what?

"Is she?" Serah's voice lit up. Hope nodded, and then slapped himself on his right cheek. He stepped aside and let her in. I quickly moved away from the plant so it seemed as though I wasn't listening in on their entire conversation from behind an indoor plant... She smiled when she saw me. I tried to rub the glare from my eyes. By the time she was standing in front of me, I looked almost as surprised to see her as she was to see me. She appeared a lot less angry than I thought she would be, though. I do remember her blowing me off to go plan a shotgun wedding with her boyfriend – but no, she looked a lot more reserved now, a lot calmer, and, hopefully, a lot more thoughtful. "Claire, hi," She smiled.

"Serah," I began nervously. I really… I couldn't think of what to say. I bet she wanted an explanation.

"I'm glad you're okay." She said. Her voice sounded sincere.

"Oh," For whatever reason, the thought never once crossed my mind that she would be worried about me. Had I ever given her reason before to worry? I was always okay. "Yeah, of course. I'm just… um," I scratched my cheek softly. "I feel like anything I say will be taken the wrong way, and… result in you hating me for the rest of your life."

Serah cocked her eyebrow at me, "Wow, Claire, way to be optimistic."

"I—" Ugh. See? There's really nothing I can say right now. I just shrugged.

"How come you're in Palumpolum?" She asked suddenly. "You're not trying to kidnap me and persuade me to not get married, are you?"

Play it cool. Don't say anything offensive. "You invited me to your wedding, didn't you? The least I could do is show up." I even faked a small smile.

It didn't look like she was buying it. She bit down on her bottom lip and let her gaze fall down to her feet.

I should just tell her. I know, I know – the last time I said this, she took off to Palumpolum to elope. But I really think that I should tell her that I do care about her and I would prefer she hold off on the marriage thing. There really are no cons to this. If I don't tell her and she gets married tomorrow, I run the risk of killing Snow. If I do tell her, she'll just dislike me for a very long time, but I can deal with that. … I seem to be having these conversations with myself a lot these days.

"Serah?"

"Yes?"

"I'm – okay, I'm going to first say that I think you completely overreacted the last time we had a serious conversation—"

"Um, it was more like you _telling _me not to get married—"

"—it's – no it was not—"

"—just thought I should put that out there. Yep."

"—but – ugh." I groaned. A failed mission.

"Listen, Claire," She began softly. "I know you're saying this because you're trying to look out for me, and I get that. I completely understand and… I'm really happy that you care. But I'm not doing this to make you angry… you know."

I looked up at her and sighed. "Yes, you are. You're getting married tomorrow to make me angry."

"Okay, so… so I was." She smiled weakly. "I could – _we _– we, being Snow and I, not you – could postpone it. But you really have to stop making everything about you, because it isn't. I'm not agreeing to marry him just to make you angry—"

"You're not going to university." I interrupted, and she groaned instantly. "Huh? What's that about? You can't sacrifice your future for this, you know."

"I'm deferring my acceptance for a year, but I'll totally go back."

"Deferring a year for what?" I lowered my eyes at her. "For _babies_?"

She rolled her eyes, "Ugh – see – this is you overreacting again."

"Well – I'm sorry – what exactly are you taking a year off for? Enlighten me." I said. She looked at me and her right eye twitched a little. She was trying to think up a horrible lie to tell me, but I knew I was right. It was for babies. Holy fuck. "You're eighteen. In a year, you'll be nineteen. Neither age requires a baby. In fact, babies are seldom required."

"It's – just in case."

"Oh my God, just in case _what_?"

"Can we – okay, can we not talk about this right now?" She asked hurriedly and then cast a sideways glance to Hope – oh my God, Hope. What… I completely forgot he was still here. He looked between us, but said nothing.

I shrugged again and crossed my arms, "You're not getting married tomorrow."

"No, I'm not."

Goodness. It worked. I knew it – I knew my five years in the military, Cocoon-wide distinguished rank, and bade of authority had to count for something. "Well—"

"This venue – you'll love it – it's booked solid for tomorrow, so we're going with this Saturday."

… "This Saturday?"

She nodded quickly, "Yes."

… "But that's in two days."

Another nod, "Yes."

… "B-but you don't have a dress!" I snapped. "_How_… are you planning on getting married in two days?"

"Well," She clasped her hands together, her eyes lighting up. "We have a caterer and a florist and all that good stuff, and Snow knows some guy who knows some guy who knows some guy who plays the piano _beautifully _and he's free for Saturday – also, you're my family and you're here already so that saves me invitations – everything's working out so well, it's insane!" She giggled and twirled on the spot. "Honestly, at first, when Snow suggested that you might be in Palumpolum trying to hunt him down, I was really angry at you, but then after the venue stuff got sorted out, I realized that everything does happen for a reason… Snow told me so." I bet he did.

"Okay, but you still don't have a dress, so… clearly this isn't going to work out." Hmmm, logic. "You won't even have time to buy one—"

"Stores are still open." She shrugged. "I wouldn't buy it alone anyway. I want you to come with me."

Of course.

"Unless you're busy…?"

I looked at Hope. He looked back at me, wrinkling his nose. "Come on. She's your sister." He said. "If I had an older sister or brother, I'd _kill _for them to do cool things with me. I mean, we'd go to the beach and then go shopping by the lakeside – and camping and things like that. You're so lucky. I bet you don't even know how lucky you are."

I guess that's my answer.

_---_

Thanks again for reading! And a huge thanks to those of you that comment after every chapter! That's amazing. I appreciate it a lot. :)_  
_


	7. 007: There's no Lightning when it Snows

**A/N:** Apologies! This was supposed to be up yesterday! ._. I promise to have the next chapter up sooner. Also, I'm about 60% sure the next chapter will be the last. But. That can change haha... thanks for reading!

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Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 7

I looked at him.

He looked at me – even less amused than I was, to be honest.

I looked at her. "Why is he here?"

"Because," She said, crossing her arms. "I need both of you to help me make a decision."

I crossed my arms too, "About what?"

She faltered – and then quickly took a step back, whipping out a pearl white gown, "On a dress, obviously. What do you think about this? Hmm?"

Snow shrugged, "Looks good to me."

Serah bit down on her lip and looked at the dress, "I… don't really like the hemming. It's weird." She stuffed the dress back on the rack quickly and pulled out another one. "What about this? It's good for summer, right?"

I shrugged and looked at Snow. He shrugged and said, "I don't know. If you like it, I like it."

Serah sighed and put the dress away, "I don't. I don't know." She walked into Snow's chest and embraced him in a hug. "Usually you have an opinion on everything why don't you have an opinion on my dress why?"

Snow looked at me and I shrugged again.

"Serah," I sighed, rubbing my face tiredly. "If you don't like any of the dresses here, then we should go to a different store."

"What? No," She detached herself from Snow and shook her head. "I'll find something. I will. You two should go talk."

Dare I say it but Snow looked mildly offended. I only regret not being more offended at this idea. "About what?" He asked.

"About everything," Serah replied. "You'll be family in two days."

Snow turned to me at once, somewhat surprised at this fact. "That's so cool. I never once thought of that – never." He chuckled. "You'll be like my actual sister." Charming. "But you know, if I had a sister, she probably wouldn't get so angry every time I called her 'sis'."

"If I had a brother," I said, "he'd be better trained."

"You're so funny."

No, I actually wasn't.

"Do you want to go for a drink?"

"As long as it's an alcoholic beverage."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Whoa."

Ugh, always trying to make my life difficult. He should've just agreed with me. "I'm kidding." I groaned. "You're the one who said I was funny, remember?"

"I see."

"Let's just go."

Oddly enough, the closest drink-serving place near the boutique was a bar. I could feel Snow's eyes judging me as I rushed towards the door. Whatever. Why should I be judged for a bar opening in the late afternoon? If the bar wasn't open in the first place, then I never would have ventured into it. I don't deserve to be judged like this.

The bartender kept darting me weird looks as he slid us our drinks. I don't know what he was thinking but I wanted to clear up any misconceptions right away and tell him that Snow was, actually, my younger sister's fiancé, and that if he didn't stop thinking we came here as a couple then I would have to hurt him. I was much too tired for all this negativity.

"So," Snow spoke up, and I could tell at once that he had no desire to say anything aside from that.

"So what?" I answered between sips.

"So Serah's freaking out about the wedding." He said. Now, I was listening. "Don't tell her I said so."

"Of course." I muttered, shadily. I wouldn't tell her, but it made me feel a hell of a lot better knowing this.

He sighed, swishing his drink around in his glass, "When we left earlier, she spent the whole train ride to Palumpolum crying. I told her maybe we should go back to Bodhum but she cried and said," Here, he chuckled. "She said you'd kill her for wasting money on train tickets."

How sad. "I can't believe that's the extent of her thinking."

"Well can you blame her?"

"It's just – I mean, she didn't once think that I would be worried about her? I don't only care about money, you know."

Snow paused for a moment and downed the rest of his drink. "Um," He cleared his throat. "Well. Yeah."

Well yeah? What does that mean? "I don't get it."

He glanced at me nervously, "Well, yeah, she knows, but I think something else is going on and she doesn't want to tell me. She kept saying that you'd get angry at her and that's why she didn't want to go back, but I figure it was something else too."

"Something else…?" I repeated blankly. I stared into the murky abyss of my beer. "What else? … she said she was getting married tomorrow just to make me angry. Maybe she knows that I'm right about everything."

Snow chuckled, "Oh, okay, _that's_ funny."

"What?" I snapped. "She's only eighteen. You think you'd find another cradle to rob."

He turned to look at me. "I'm twenty-one. What's your point?"

I glared at him.

He glared at me.

We were both glaring at each other.

He broke first. Thankfully. My eyes were starting to itch. "Ugh, this is crazy," He groaned. "I'm hungry. Drinking always makes me hungry. I can never be an alcoholic or I'd be obese – an obese alcoholic. Let's go get food."

"Right."

There was a bakery located conveniently beside the bar. It was definitely an odd place for such a cute bakery. I wasn't exactly sure why I followed Snow into a bakery but I suppose I can't complain since he followed me into a bar. I will, however, complain that he chose a bakery over an actual restaurant…

We didn't really order anything, but we were given a complimentary basket of bread rolls. I chewed through one amicably while Snow aimlessly snacked through a set of them. I wasn't big on bread, but Snow was a carbs person. That was one of few things I knew about him.

"So," He began, chomping obnoxiously.

"I dislike the fact that you start every important conversation with 'so'."

He smiled, "It gets people listening."

"It makes me nauseous."

"You're always so uptight. My friend even agrees." He nodded slowly, narrowing a mocking eye at me.

Wait. "What friend?"

"Gadot. Big guy, red hair, ridiculous tan. He said he saw you on the train." He said, ripping another bread roll in half and popping both pieces in his mouth simultaneously. Wow. Then what was the point? "What do you think of him?"

Wait, what? Excuse me? "What do I think of _whom_?"

"Gadot. Who else?" He rolled his eyes at me as if… you know, I don't even know what he was thinking. I don't even know why he asked me this.

"Yeah, but why?"

"Because I think he kind of likes you."

Oh God.

"And by 'kind of', I mean he actually really likes you."

No. "That is not what I was planning to hear today, tomorrow, or any day in my future."

"Wow," Snow sighed breathily. "That's kind of harsh." It was. I mean, it is. I didn't mean for it to come out like that, but just… that man, Gadot, was it? He's… just no. "He's a good guy. A bit misled, though… and I think he's actually really intimidated by you. But he's cool. You'd really like him."

"Would I? We probably have nothing in common."

"Hey, not true," He shook his head, and then smirked, "He can also be a raging bitch sometimes."

I stopped chewing and narrowed my eyes at the blond devil, "Listen—"

"Hey, have you noticed," he interrupted, "that you always say 'listen' before you're about to verbally assault someone?"

He smiled. I wanted to bash my head against the table. And gorge out Snow's eyes.

"I'm just kidding," He said. "He's not a raging bitch, you're not a raging bitch – but still, you'd like him. I really think you would. And I'm not just saying this because – okay well, I am kind of… saying this because it'd be nice if you could maybe get your mind off the wedding."

"You want to distract me." I scoffed. "You want to distract me so I'll forget you're marrying my sister in two days."

"Uh, yes and no." He shook his head anyway. "You just seem to be worrying so much—"

"She's _my_ sister. Why shouldn't I worry?"

"—exactly! She's your sister, but like… we, as in you and I, we're not getting married."

Cringe. "Thank God."

"I know." He rolled his eyes. "It's laughable. But still, you shouldn't be so invested in the whole thing, especially since you're obviously trying to kill me before Saturday. Do you really think that's a good way to spend your time? Trying to kill me?"

I so desperately wanted to agree, but he did have a point. He did. I looked away momentarily, "It's… no one understands."

"Well, then, tell me. I'll understand."

I looked at him. He looked sincere and it made me nervous. Why would I tell Snow all of my anxieties? He couldn't fix them. He wouldn't fix them. He didn't want to give my sister back. We were both selfish. How can two selfish people fix each other's problems? "Y-you probably wouldn't."

"I'm pretty sure I would." He told me. "I'll understand. I'm not sure if I'll sympathize, though."

I shook my head slowly, "Those two are the same thing."

He shook his head too. "No, they're not. If… I understand that you're feeling anxious about Serah getting married and you'd honestly rather it didn't happen – I get that. But I can't sympathize, because your anxieties have nothing to do with me."

"They have everything to do with you!" I snapped suddenly. "It's – you don't have to marry her, you know. She won't listen to me, but she'll listen to you. And I don't care how old she is, between the both of you, _you're_ the adult."

"Yeah, but this isn't about you being angry at me—"

"Yes, it is!"

"—well, not for me, it isn't." He shrugged. "In fact, for me, this has almost nothing to do with you. Sometimes – _sometimes _– my happiness is a little bit more important than yours."

I didn't know what to say. Well, I knew what I wanted to say but I wasn't sure if I would say it. I couldn't. Was I offended? A little. But I had no reason to be – I knew that. I just… I didn't know. I mean, I _knew _this, but… ugh. "So what are you saying?" I muttered quietly.

"I'm just saying you should quit worrying so much about things that really have nothing to do with you." He said, his voice much softer than it had been. "I understand that you really care about Serah—"

"I _love _Serah." I told him.

"Well, so do I." He said.

My… my voice was stuck. I couldn't say anything. I let my eyes drop to the table and I began to breathe heavily. I wasn't even sure if I was angry, but just… frustrated. I think I was frustrated. I couldn't say exactly why but this was… talking to Snow was so irritating. It was like talking to myself or something. I just couldn't take it. And fuck all, my eyes were leaking.

"A-are… are you okay? Light?" I heard his voice calling me but I looked away and slapped myself in the face a few times. Fuck fuck fuck. Get it together, ex-soldier. This is… unacceptable.

"Aaaah…" I cleared my throat and looked around tiredly. "I want ice cream. Let's go for ice cream. I don't know how you can eat so much bread. I'm surprised you're not one-hundred times your size. This is crazy. You are crazy. Let's go." I got to my feet hurriedly and waltzed out of the shop. The fresh Palumpolum air hit my face and it made it easier to breathe. I wiped at my eyes fervently, hoping to erase any sign of… leakage. Tears.

Snow appeared beside me within moments, but he didn't look at me. He was holding another bread roll as he looked up and down the street. "So where are we going? There's an ice cream bar thing at the city square."

"Sold." I said and took off in its direction. He followed quietly behind me. We didn't say anything the whole way there.

I ordered a large cup of chocolate ice cream. It was my favourite and had been my favourite my entire life. Snow ordered a considerably smaller cup of vanilla ice cream. Serah also liked vanilla. I felt betrayed. I don't know. I don't know why.

I stuffed my face in silence for awhile – until I realized that I was actually eating my feelings and that is even more unacceptable than crying in front of Snow Villiers. … "Listen," I spoke up tersely. "You… I don't want to dislike you."

"Too late, right?" He asked, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

I shook my head, "No. It actually isn't." He seemed confused. I was confused too. "It's… I'm not going to date your friend because I think he's odd. But I understand what you mean about… happiness." I cleared my throat and looked into my ice cream. "Everyone has been telling me that Serah is happy. Sazh said so, I'm willing to bet Dajh said so… you said so… everyone. I don't think I wanted to believe it. Because Serah's happiness is my happiness, you see… and I think I always wanted to believe that I could make her happy. But—" I sighed. "—it's heartbreaking to know that I can't. It feels like the whole world is betraying me, and I'm taking it out on you the most. I'm forbidding Serah her happiness because it's not me, and it's just… I don't know. I don't." I shook my head in defeat. "You can judge me too, if you'd like."

I was waiting for it, a verbal backlash of sorts… but there was nothing. I could hear him breathing beside me so I knew he hadn't died during my speech, but just... nothing. And then all of a sudden, like a horribly-scripted movie, I felt his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into his shoulder and sniffed, fighting back a relentless assault of tears. I felt bad for assuming he wouldn't understand. How sad is it that the one person I thought I was against was the only one who understood what it felt like to want everything?

_---_

Woohoo!_  
_


	8. 008: We should talk

**A/N**: Final chapterrrrrr. Hope you liked it! Once again, thank you to everyone who reviewed and/or read! It really means a lot. :)_  
_

Internal Dialogue  
Chapter 8

Dare I say it, but I was feeling a lot more optimistic after my talk with Snow.

It was almost as if he had become a completely different person to me, but he hadn't changed. Once again, it felt like I was the one who had to change. How tedious. Can I say – just for a second – that I was sick of having these mini-epiphanies? I wanted to grow up, and be someone that I could admire. I couldn't be that way if I had to find… justification in Snow. That was just… not.

We didn't talk to each other as we walked back to the boutique. He still had his ice cream spoon stuck in his mouth, looking at me as if I was going to say something. Well, I wasn't. He should've assumed that. I wish he'd stop looking.

As we entered the shop, a staff member gave me a weary look, almost as if she had to drag her eyes over to my face. She slowly shook her head at me and gestured loosely behind a tall rack of dresses. Snow disappeared in the direction she was pointing and I followed behind. Around the rack, we found Serah, seated on the ground, in a wedding dress.

"Oh."

"Oh..."

Both Snow and I exchanged glances – I'm not quite sure why.

Serah looked up at us, "What do you think about this one?" She asked slowly, holding up the fluff of the skirt. "I think it's kind of pretty."

Snow looked at me – why does he keep looking at me? I ignored him and crossed my arms, "It's nice. It suits you really well, actually. You should get it."

Suddenly, her eyes darkened and she glared at me. Weird. "What? Why?" She snapped.

Um. "Because you're already wearing it… and it suits you."

"So," She got to her feet and dusted herself off. She wasn't glaring anymore. I was extremely confused. "How did the bonding go? Are we all happy and ready to become a real family?" She looked between Snow and me for an answer.

"I…" Um.

"Of course," Snow spoke up, nodding. "We were like family already, so it's no big deal."

Right.

"That's good, it's good." Serah nodded quickly, clasping her hands together. "Okay, okay, okay… I don't want this dress, by the way." She mumbled, and then quickly ducked into the change room behind her. "I don't know, it looks kind of… I don't know. Not sure."

"Okay, well," I began, moving closer to the change room so she could hear me through the door. "You've been trying on dresses for awhile now, right? Do you have anything narrowed down?"

Brief silence, and then: "Kind of."

"Kind of?" I repeated. "So is that a yes or a no?"

Mild ruffling, and then: "In between."

Okay, what. "In between?"

"Like in between yes and no – as in, I _kind of _have things narrowed down." She said.

This time, I looked at Snow and he just shrugged. I sighed and turned back to the change room, "Well, do… do you need help deciding on one?"

"Noooot… really."

"Okay."

"I'll pick one tomorrow."

"Uh—" Snow interrupted, and I looked at him. I knew we were both thinking the same thing. … well, I wasn't too sure if we were thinking the same thing. I won't pretend to understand how Snow thinks. _I _was thinking that she was just trying to put it off indefinitely and she would end up choosing something at the last minute that she didn't really like. She does it all the time. Hence, Snow. "Well—" That was bad. Truthfully, in her defence, she actually does really like him. I believe so. This time was different for her and I really believed this whole Snow thing wasn't last minute. I looked at him. It only now occurred to me that he seldom took that headband off. But of course what I meant to say just now is that, for the second time, I realize that I shouldn't be so quick to judge. He is a good guy – Sazh was right. Sazh was a better judge of character than I was. I always let my prejudices get in the way. 'No, Serah can't marry him anymore, I lied' – and there's always a million reasons why not. Things like he's too blond, he's irritating, he shows up at my house even when I tell him not to, he cooks shirtless – but still, I always tend to overlook things. I don't give him enough credit.

I zoned back in and Serah had her head poked out of the change room, looking both offended and sad at the same time. "Why?" She asked breathily. Why what?

"Because," Snow replied. "I think it'd be better if, you know… well, Sis agrees." And here, he looked at me.

I blinked. "E-excuse me?" I looked at Serah. "I don't—"

"Okay, fine, Claire, okay, fine." She sighed and then reached forward to grab my forearm. She said to Snow, "I'll see you after?"

"Of course."

"Of course wha—?" I stuttered as Serah pulled me into the change room. As soon as I was safely inside, she shut the door, handed me a clothes hanger, and held my arms up above my head. "What is going on?" I asked.

"Hold still. This thing is really annoying to get back on the hanger." She sighed, fastening the dress to the hanger above my head. She smoothed out the ruffles and tried to sit it properly before she snatched the hanger from me and hung it on the door hook. …

I looked at her, "What's going on? Where's Snow going?"

She wrinkled her nose at me as she pulled her sweater over her shoulders. "You space out a lot these days." She rolled her eyes, "He went to go check with the piano guy again."

"But I thought you said you already figured everything out with that…"

She sighed. "Really, Claire…"

... "Yes, really."

"I just… I don't know." She mumbled, grabbing her bag off the floor and unlocking the change room door. She stepped out and I followed her as she left the store. Was she really serious about not picking a dress today?

"Hey, Serah," I spoke up as we continued to walk down the street. "I'm not an expert and I don't really try to be, but I'd assume picking a dress would take some time, right? Do you want to try a different store?"

"Not today," She said, and began to hum. She was humming this song she always sings when words fail her. She told me it was called… I'm not sure – something odd like "Fabula Nova Crystallis"… I don't know where she heard it. The point is she was avoiding the topic completely and dragging me around town aimlessly. She definitely had something to say, though, but I could tell she didn't know how to say it. I needed to somehow stimulate a conversation. But how?

I crossed my arms and began to hum. I stopped when I realized it clashed horribly with the song she was humming. … "Serah," I started. "We should go for ice cream."

"I'm surprised you didn't say 'let's go for a drink'." She spun around and giggled. I was not amused. "I'm – I'm just kidding." She said whimsically. "But really, you always seem to be—"

"Are we going for ice cream or not?"

"I – yeah, sure."

"Okay, good."

The man at the city square was surprised to see me there again and he smiled when we sat down. I returned his smile and then promptly began to ignore him. I was already having a tough time trying to figure out exactly how I'm supposed to bring up whatever's bothering Serah without seeming judgmental or nosy – but I didn't even know _what _was bothering her. Ugh. This is so hard. I should call Sazh. He's a parent. He can fix this for me.

"Claire, can I ask you something?"

Well, that was easy. "Of course," I said while turning to face her.

She didn't turn to look at me, though. She glanced and began to twiddle her thumbs. "If… uh, if you weren't a soldier – or, like, never used to be a solider – what would you have been?"

Wait? Whoa, whoa, whoa – this isn't about _me_. Is this reverse psychology? I don't know. I'm sweating. "Why?" I asked. "That can't be what's bothering you. I should be the farthest thing from your mind right now."

"Why?" She chuckled a little. "I'm not the farthest thing from your mind. And besides, I'm just asking so you really shouldn't get so defensive. But you used to be a solider; I get it. You're like that."

Wow. … I had nothing to say. … She turned to look at me finally and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat until I was staring at my thumbs.

"Claire?"

"Yeah, uh… what would I be if I was never a soldier, right?" I repeated.

"Yeah. That couldn't have been your dream job."

"Why not?" I asked _defensively_.

"Because when we were younger, you used to say you wanted to be an ice cream man. And then I was like, 'No, you can't, because you'll never grow up to be a man', and then you said, 'that's not what I meant, you idiot', and I would cry. Hmmm." She gave a wistful sigh, smiling.

Right. "What does this have to do with anything, Serah?"

"I kind of… well," she cleared her throat. "I was thinking about how I got accepted into Eden… and even with everything that's happened, the school's still running and a lot of my friends are still going. I mean, deferring a year would be nice – but I really want to be a doctor..." She paused a moment to look at me. I looked at her, but I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what she wanted me to say. "I know it takes a really long time so I figure starting early would be good, right? Don't you think so?"

I had to stop myself before I said 'I know so' and sounded condescending. "I'd assume so, yes. I – I didn't know you wanted to be a doctor, though."

"You thought I wanted to be a cook, right?" She chuckled. "Just because I'm the better cook in the family? I changed my mind, that's all. I'm allowed to, right?"

"I guess so," I shrugged, crossing my legs. "Oh—" I looked at her. "—I mean, of course. Ignore me; I'm just really nervous."

"I don't want to get married."

What… did she say?

I snapped my neck over to look at her as she held out her hand for an ice cream cup from the vendor. She didn't look at me. I was _so confused_. It's… did we not go through… all the _planning? _What? What the actual fuck? I don't – I _can't _believe she just said that. No. No, no. She didn't say anything like that. In fact, she's been eating ice cream and therefore had no time to say that she… she didn't want to get married – but why am I so put off by this? I was beginning to be happy for her. I was. This… it's… I don't know what to think because I do want to give her credit as a decisive human being but – ugh, people get cold feet all the time, right? This is ridiculous. She's just… and I… ugh.

"Claire?"

"Serah?"

"Did you hear anything I said?"

"I think so."

She bit down on her bottom lip, "When… I said I didn't want to get married?"

I bit on my lip too. "I think so."

"What do you think…?"

I sighed – and I think she took it the wrong way. I could feel her starting to get flustered so I shook my head – and then realized that maybe that wasn't the right gesture. "Uh," I began, nervously. "You… I mean, why? What happened? You were so… you know, adamant to… go through with everything."

"Was I?" Serah mumbled. "I guess so. I mean, I really was, but when everything slowed down, I started to think."

I raised an eyebrow in question, "So you weren't thinking before?"

"Don't." She rolled her eyes. "That's not what I meant. I started to think about what I wanted to do next year, that's all. That's when I realized it… wasn't what I thought it was. When I really thought about it, there was no house, there was school… there were no children."

I gasped suddenly and snapped my fingers, "Listen," I said. "If Snow's forcing this whole children thing on you, I'll kill him."

"No, it's – I like kids, but it's… not like that." She shook her head. "Snow's great, really. I don't know if I can tell him that I changed my mind. I don't want to break up, but I just don't think I can not be a Farron anymore. If I became a Villiers, you would probably be the last Farron left. It almost felt like I was leaving you." She laughed at this, shrugging playfully, "It's a stupid reason. You probably think it's stupid."

"No, it's not." I told her. "You're young." I wanted to say more than that but I realized at the last second that anything else I said would pretty much just reinforce how much of a child I still thought she was. I didn't want her to be upset, but I wanted her to understand. Granted, I was feeling a bit betrayed since I spent so long trying to cope with this wedding business and now it wasn't happening. I had just spent a portion of the day bonding with Snow under the clause that we would soon be a legitimate family and now, it wasn't happening anymore. It was a weird position for me, but it must have felt worse for her. "I just really and truly want you to be happy, okay? If… you want to go back to school, then that's fine too."

"Don't lie," She nudged me in the arm, grinning. "You never wanted me to get married. You always wanted me to go to Eden." This is true. But recent times have changed this. "You never really even liked Snow, did you?"

"That's not entirely true," I said with a small smile. "He grew on me. He's become less irritating since the first time I met him."

"Nice."

I nodded. "You'll be okay, Serah. You should know that… either way, I'm still here for you."

"Oh, Claire," She sighed, smiling. "Why so cheesy?"

I faltered. Excuse me? I thought we were bonding.

"I never thought otherwise." She said, getting to her feet slowly. "But could you come with me? I need to brainstorm ideas… tell him why we can't get married right away."

I frowned, "How about the truth?"

"Uh… right." She muttered. "I don't really know how he'll take it. Hopefully he won't be too discouraged. We'll need to cancel the florist, the pianist, the venue… ugh. I need something to try and soften the blow…" She tapped her chin thoughtfully, gazing around the square. I wasn't sure what she was looking for.

Her eyes landed on my face and I shrugged nonchalantly, "How about some bread?"

She grinned, "Right."

"Right."


End file.
